#1 Stop wearing Old Spice – I know it’s technically “deodorant”, but the reason why no one sat by you at ‘The Hunger Games’ is because you smell like a combination of old age and Big Red chewing gum. Degree is a much wiser choice.
#2 Stop thinking about buying those skinny jeans – Listen, the lower half of a man’s body was not made for such intimate display, it was made for boot-cut jeans from Gap. Stop it.
#3 Stop wearing white belts – Unless you’re a professional golfer from England who is currently on the golf course, stop it.
#4 Stop watching Hockey – Each time you turn on a Hockey game, the people who show Hockey games make more money. And the more money these people make, the more slots Hockey highlights take up on Sportscenter’s Top 10. So Stop it.
#5 Stop drinking Bud Light
#6 Stop acting like you hate Facebook – Let’s be honest, Facebook is awesome. You know it and I know it. So stop treating it like ‘The Fray’, save that for Pinterest – it’s an all-girls treehouse and it sucks.
#7 Stop making profiles for yourself on Pinterest
#8 Stop eating so much fast food – No one wants you to die.
#9 Stop wearing those Beats by Dre headphones at work – The truth is, you’re not 19 years old and you don’t play college basketball.And you’re not walking into the arena as the cameras roll. Your Ipod earphones suit that Excel spreadsheet much better.
#10 Stop using the auto-tune app on your Iphone – I’ll admit, it was kinda cool the first time. But seriously, stop it.
#11 Stop getting Henna tattoos at the beach – We all know you went on vacation, you told us 19 times. There’s really no reason to rub it in with that temporary awesome sun design on your shoulder.
#12 Stop playing ‘Modern Warfare 3’ – Listen man, you’re like 37. You should be pushing your kids in a stroller, or tending to your lawn. There’s a reason the Chinese person talking trash in your headset sounds so young, and it’s because he’s 12 and doesn’t have any responsibilities.
#13 Stop shaving your chest hair – Be proud of it, it’s a part of you and it couldn’t look cooler. And if you don’t have much chest hair, or maybe just one, think about naming that chest hair. It brings it to life.
#14 Stop trying to do P90X again – Let’s be honest, 90 days is a long time to work out. But there’s no shame in giving up. The right amount of chest/body hair can hide any undefined or underdeveloped muscles.
#15 Stop everything and watch more ‘House Hunters International’ – There is perhaps no greater suspense than watching a couple choose between 3 houses in another country. Will they go for the fixer-upper by the beach? The condo on the golf course? Or the over-budget villa in the city? Well, you’ll just have to watch.
#16 Stop taking baths – There’s nothing more disgusting than a person soaking in their own filth. However, it’s 75% more disgusting when that person is a man. Stop it.
#17 Stop using those floss things at dinner – I’m not saying flossing isn’t important, but after I’ve enjoyed the Outback special at my favorite steakhouse, the last thing I need to see is what your food looks like after it has been between your teeth. Wait until you’re in the car, your wife loves that stuff.
#18 Stop buying shoes at the Shoe Carnival – I know the décor is exciting and it’s kind of like being on Wheel of Fortune, but there’s a reason that together your 3 pairs of shoes cost $22 dollars, and it’s because they’re K-Swiss. Stop it.
#19 Stop defending the last Indiana Jones movie – It was terrible.
#20 Stop acting like you don’t watch ‘American Idol’ – There’s no shame in it, those people can sing. But please, don’t vote at the end of the show, especially not from your bathtub.