Too Much To Lose: 5 Sports You Shouldn’t Play With A Woman

  1. Miniature Golf – Commonly referred to as “Putt-Putt”, the game of miniature golf has been a go-to first date for lonely, insecure men (including myself) for ages. On the surface, it seems like the perfect date. It’s somewhat adventurous, arguably fun, and can showcase your steady hand under pressure. But be warned, there are women out there who can beat you. And if you get beat, you may never get married. I know it looks like the perfect date, but that pirate ship takes no prisoners. Lose and you will walk the plank – for your entire life.
  2. Ping Pong – Don’t get me wrong, I’m fairly confident in my ping-pong ability. If I would have dedicated myself to it, I’d probably be in China right now. But the thing is, there are girls who are better than me. There are women out there who have dedicated themselves to the game and have recently returned from successful careers in China. And they’re impossible to spot. You may feel comfortable playing a friendly game with your grandmother’s Canasta friend, but odds are she took up the game while her husband was fighting in World War II and has a serve that spins 3 different directions at once. Be careful.
  3. Tennis – First of all, can we all agree that Serena Williams is actually a man? Please? And her entire tennis career is a drawn-out and ill-timed sequel to ‘Juwanna Mann’? Now, I don’t know much about tennis, other than it’s important to wear shorts with pockets, but I do know you should never, ever play against a woman. For two reasons: 1. Women who play tennis wear skirts 2. They yell at you when they hit the ball. Neither of these are beneficial to you as a man. If you lose, you will have lost to a person in a skirt while being repeatedly yelled at. Don’t take the bait.
  4. Arm Wrestling – I’m not completely sure this qualifies as a sport, but Sylvester Stallone made a movie about it in 1987, so I feel comfortable listing it. As a general life rule, arm-wrestling with the opposite sex is a no-win situation. If you lose, well, I’m not real sure how we can help you. And if you win, you’re just a jerk who obsessively looks at himself in the mirrors at the gym and thinks women shouldn’t be able to vote. Avoid it at all costs. But rent that Stallone movie, a guy (*spoiler alert*) breaks his arm and it’s awesome.
  5. Running marathons/races – Remember that feeling you had during field day in 5th grade? That feeling of coming in 6th place behind 5 post-pubescent girls who were 7 inches taller than you? You don’t want to have that feeling again. Let’s face it, your wife/girlfriend/girl you’re thinking about asking out is in better shape than you. She may have even given birth to one or multiple children. She can outlast you in a marathon. She will beat you in a race. And this time “late-bloomer” won’t make as much sense as an excuse.

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