A Terrified Man’s Guide To Theme Parks

It has come to my attention that some men are afraid of roller coasters. Don’t look at me, I’m certainly not afraid. My dislike for roller coasters isn’t so much fear as it is mistrust for the people who build them. I don’t know these people. They could be anybody. What kind of experience do they have? How many people have they killed? Would they get on the roller coaster themselves? Do they take baths instead of showers? These are all questions that I need answered.

Ok, forget it, I’m terrified. It’s just that they’re so tall.

Since I turn into a woman (no offense to women) when I enter the gates of a theme park, I thought I’d use my fear to help others like me, assuming that there are others like me. And while I can’t answer the questions you have about the people who build roller coasters, I can offer some fun interesting invigorating alternatives for you to participate in while your 6-year-old daughter buckles in for another round on Vortex.

1. Hold some purses – I know this sounds incredibly boring, and slightly emasculating – and it is both – but it offers some responsibility, some purpose to your existence. There’s now a reason for you to be there. Without you, who would hold the purses? They couldn’t just leave them on the bench, that guy in the sleeveless shirt would steal everything.

2. Don’t forget your iphone – Modern technology has come a long way in the past decade, especially for terrified people at theme parks. Instead of staring at the asphalt, or wondering if your family respects you anymore, you can now play games. It’s like your own tiny theme park that fits in your hands.

3. Enjoy multiple funnel cakes – You know what you shouldn’t eat before getting on a roller coaster? A funnel cake. You know what you should eat while you sit on a bench and play games on your iphone? A funnel cake. Being afraid has its advantages.

4. Rent a wheel chair – I know 10 bucks is a little steep for what is essentially a moving park bench, but here’s an area where it’s okay to splurge. First, it teaches your kids valuable lessons about faking injuries. Second, people assume that you would ride the death machines if you weren’t so injured. Some even pity you. And who wouldn’t pay 10 bucks for pity?

5. Mumble incoherent things to yourself out loud – Theme parks are crowded. And everyone smells, including you. So while you wait for your family to stop having the best time of their lives, you need to create some space for yourself. And when you mumble incoherent things to yourself out loud, people will give you some space.

What did I miss? Please tell me I’m not the only one…

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6 Comments on “A Terrified Man’s Guide To Theme Parks”

  1. July 9, 2012 at 12:36 am #

    I love this post, and I want to link to it in my blog. Also, is this photo yours (terrified Asian man)? If so, may I use it? I try to honor copyright as much as possible.

    • July 9, 2012 at 6:20 am #

      Feel free to share the post, the picture is not ours, we probably should have given credit for it. It looks like the photo came from shutterstock.com or by googling “terrified asian man.” Thanks for sharing.


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