Don’t put Newman from Seinfeld in charge of important things – From the time he first knocked on Jerry’s door, Newman has had an agenda. You can see it in his eyes. Around 1992, he accused Jerry of mail fraud. Later he cut off a sample of his hair and ultimately ruined a meaningful relationship with his barber. Let’s be honest, it was only a matter of time before he attempted to steal Dinosaur DNA. Let’s all learn from this.
If Samuel Jackson is in the movie, he’s going to die – I know Samuel Jackson is smooth and nice to look at with his Kangol swag, but please, don’t get too attached to him, because he’s going to die. But not before leaving us with some of the most quotable lines in the history of cinema though. Well done, Samuel. Hold on to your butts.
The outdoor bathroom is not the best place to be during a Dinosaur attack – It seems safe, with its four walls and plumbing pipes, but think twice before abandoning young children in an attempt to save yourself. Those walls were built by a production assistant with no previous construction experience. They’re coming down and it’s probably over for you.
Nobody cares that Dotson is here – Island living is different than mainland living. No one cares if you discuss illegal business deals involving Dinosaur blood at a crowded restaurant. So there’s no need to play it cool, or disguise yourself with a straw hat and sunglasses because these people don’t care. They’re most likely thinking about how nice life is now that Dinosaurs don’t exist and how much it would suck if someone brought them back.
If you’re thinking about starting a family, remember, babies smell – There are lots of things to think about before starting a family. College education, houses, decorating rooms and so on. And these are all important things to consider. But don’t forget this – babies smell. And sometimes they question theories that you’ve dedicated your entire career to. You may want to hold out for a while.
Left unattended in a car, Jeff Goldbloom will try to steal your girlfriend – Let’s say Jeff Goldbloom is hitch-hiking one night. You, being the above average person that you are, decide to pick him up. He sits in the back seat with his flowing black hair and noisy black leather jacket. If at any point he grabs a cup of water and asks your girlfriend if she wants to learn more about “chaos” theory, you should be worried. He’s trying to steal her. And he’s always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.
Helicopter seatbelts are complex machines that shouldn’t be taken lightly – The air surrounding certain islands off the coast of Costa Rica is historically unstable. This causes severe turbulence to any aircraft flying through its airspace. Whatever you do, don’t be caught without your seat belt on. And if you can’t figure out how it’s supposed to latch, just tie it together, it works just as well.
Never trust a man with a white beard – I was 8-years-old the first time I found out a man with a white beard was lying to me. He
made several claims about existing and having presents in a number of movies I’d seen. My parents even verified this information, for a while. But it turns out, he was a fraud. So if a man in a white beard asks you to come to Costa Rica and sign off on his “nature preserve,” don’t do it. He doesn’t have any presents, your parents bought all of them.
After sifting through Dino droppings, be sure to wash your hands before eating anything – Listen, it’s just part of the job. Sometimes you have to sift through Dino droppings. Nobody likes it, but how else will we find out if the Dinosaurs are eating West Indian Lilac? And as much as we all admire your dedication, the value we place on not smelling your hands is even greater, so wash up. The blood-sucking lawyer will be glad to direct you to the nearest bathroom.
If you’re presented with the chance to bring Dinosaurs back to life, don’t do it – I know it’s enticing. The money, the fame, the awesome cane with the sap on top. But please, think of the rest of us. Dinosaurs are much bigger than us, and faster too. Not only that, they enjoy eating our flesh. It’s like equipping a shark with prosthetic legs. If for some reason you decide to bring these monsters back using mosquitos, I won’t judge you. I’ll even watch your multimedia presentation. But whatever you do, don’t tell me you bread Raptors.