Jurassic Park: Q and A

The now famous incidents at the so called “Jurassic Park” amusement facility in 1993 left us all with a lot more questions than answers. We here at TTAF thought it might be a good idea to clear up, after all this time, some of the uncertainties surrounding the good people involved.

Q: Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler definitely had chemistry, but we know they didn’t get married. It’s because she wanted kids and he didn’t, right?

Raptors? Why does it always have to be raptors?

A: Partly. More importantly though, Dr. Sattler looked up one morning in 1998 while eating a breakfast of stale bagels and cranberry juice and realized that Alan Grant was – right down to his hat – trying so desperately to be Indiana Jones that she was put off from ever becoming more seriously involved. When she thought about it some more, she realized that his cynical, gruff persona was eerily reminiscent of Star Wars’ Han Solo. Suspicious, Ellie tried casually bringing up Harrison Ford one day, but Alan became increasingly skittish and tried to change the subject. She dug a little deeper (a line which brings her endless pleasure when telling this story) and found that Alan had spent his entire high school and college careers cruising around small towns in restored 1955 hot rod Chevys. They’ve only spoken a few times since his obsession was unearthed (their most recent conversation concerned the scientists who claimed that wooly mammoths could be recreated from frozen DNA and how disappointed they both were by Cowboys and Aliens).

Q: Whatever happened to InGen, the company who cloned the dinosaurs in the first place?

A: Google bought it. They thought if they could train the dinosaurs to recognize and attack hipsters, they could drive Apple out of the market place. The dinosaurs kept getting distracted by the iPad’s crystal-clear Retina Display though, and so now they just use the Dilophosaurs to mess with the Google+ technicians.

Q: And what about Dodgson? You know, the sketchy looking guy that Nedry made fun of for being so secretive?

We’ve got Dodgson here!

A: Dodgson’s life is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, inside a riddle. But for the work of industrious biographers, we might know nothing of him, save his penchant for secrecy (Do yourself a favor and click on the link. It’s amazing the time people have.).

Q: Well, now I kind of want to know about everybody. What about Ian Malcolm?

Hold out your hand.

A: Ah, you know, he’s doing what most chaos theorists do: teaching a few classes, working on another book, looking for the future ex-Mrs. Malcolm. The teaching is hard work, but he figures if he can get one person to devote their lives to wearing all black and smirking incessantly, it’s worth it.

Q: Is Tim still into dinosaurs?

Which car are you riding in?

A: Sadly, no. The Jurassic Park stuff hit him pretty hard. When he heard there was a T-Rex loose in San Diego, he stood stock still for two weeks. They had to feed him nutrients intravenously. He dropped the dinos and became a hardcore Astronaut guy for about three years. Still can’t go in a kitchen without getting the all clear from somebody.

Q: And Lex, did she keep up with the computer stuff?

She’s basically still wearing this facial expression

A: She was a technician for Google+ until about a month ago. The doctors think she’ll be okay sooner or later.

Q: Okay, last question: Does Malcolm’s whole Chaos Theory water-droplet thing really work on women?

What do you mean, ‘Does it work?’

A: If not for one really poorly timed ill triceratops, he’d be batting a thousand.

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Categories: Jurassic Park Week

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