The Olympics are well underway. I originally decided that the Olympics have been boring since the end of the Cold War, or so I have been told. However, the more I have watched recently the more I have gotten into it. The following are some notes that I have compiled while drinking coffee and watching synchronized diving. In the spirit of the olympics you will find the nationality of anyone mentioned in this post in parentheses, for example Curtis Rogers (American).
Kazakhstan’s National Anthem is terrifying.
Even for a guy that doesn’t like guns, the fact that Kim Rhodes hit 99 of 100 in the skeet shooting competition is amazing. I am cool with giving all of America’s guns to her.
The coldest place on earth is the locker room of an Eastern European gymnastics team. You are more likely to find Anderson Cooper (American) and Greg Louganis (American) enjoying a sweet tea and a chicken sandwich with sauce (Polynesian) than you are a Russian gymnast smiling (this is by no means an attempt at political, religious, or social commentary, just an ill attempt at humor).
Ignore all news sources while you are at work. It seems that every other news outlet has been focusing solely on olympic updates, most likely in an attempt to thwart the stranglehold that NBC has on the games. Avoid these news sources or you will find yourself awake at midnight on a weekday watching a badminton match when you already know which team wins. You may even want to mute NBC while you are watching as the network loves to name the winner of a race and show them with their medal as a promo for the Today show before they even air the race itself.
Don’t let people fool you into thinking that Bela Karolyi (Romanian/American) is speaking English. He is absolutely insane. He may also be the Chef (Swedish) from the Muppets.
Or possibly Pinocchio’s (Wooden) creator, Geppetto (Italian)
A long time ago there was a poetry division in the Olympics complete with medals and booths for individual poets shouting their best verse. Archaeological evidence suggests that these recitations of lyric looked something like this,
This also means that the first Olympics in Athens were the precursor for open mic night at hipster coffee shops. On a side note, if the current Olympics included awards for poetry who would win? I am not familiar with too many current poets, though I am a big fan of Pablo Neruda (Chilean) and Shel Silverstein (American), may they rest in peace. Feel free to leave your nominations for Olympic poets both current and past below.
Did anyone else not know that indoor men’s volleyball was a real thing?
I have to admit that I am not a big fan of Ryan Lochte (American). Honestly, he seems like a jerk and as Americans we should avoid promoting any such idea, it would be a shame if the rest of the world thought we were all arrogant. It would be even worse if the rest of the world thought we were greedy, fat and lazy, hopefully it will never come to that.. I mean call me old fashioned but I like my athletes in gold shoes, not gold teeth.
One of my favorite events so far has been beach volleyball, and it has nothing to do with the women’s uniforms (I have already established with my wife that soccer is the only sport my unborn daughter will ever be allowed to play). Anyways, it seems like a fun sport. Rumor around Horse Guard’s Parade is that next Olympics will be held at the Malibu Sands beach club and the winning team will receive Mr. Kerosi’s (from parts unknown) car.
Other Important Facts
Every time a Chinese athlete wins a gold medal they are awarded another in China made from rare earths. They also receive a rare earth mine as compensation for their efforts. The Chinese diving team owns Apple.
The world was better when Dan Patrick (American) gave us our sports related news.
Gabby’s (American) original music for her floor routine was from her favorite T.V. show. Sources say the lyrics were “hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog” but they could not locate the tune.
I don’t care who made a “Call Me Maybe” video.
I loved the opening ceremonies, especially the nod to British children’s literature. But did anyone else think that they were watching a trailer for the Hobbit (Middle Earth)?
Anthony Davis (Kentucky) could beat Michael Phelps in every swimming event.
For more interesting (and slightly more factual) Olympic facts check out the links below