If you’re anything like me, you’ve been absolutely fascinated by the SUV-sized rover that recently landed on Mars. As in the planet, Mars. I find it quite remarkable that a group of people (with the help of billions of dollars, of course) can put their minds together and successfully land a machine on another planet. Kudos to you, smart people. From what I can tell so far from pictures, Mars looks about as interesting as Nevada, only without all the exciting casino lights.
While I’m certainly impressed with such an achievement, I need more. I crave it, in fact. These grainy pictures that are being sent back are like an episode of ‘24’, they just leave me wanting more (we miss you, Jack). I need to be absolutely certain that there’s not an extraterrestrial house party going on up there, and I’m afraid ‘Curiosity’ isn’t quite capable of satisfying mine. That’s why I’m proposing that we send some people up there for a more thorough search, specifically 5 people. In my opinion, this group would be most qualified for the trip:
Pros: He has experience in space, is excellent at drilling holes, and is unwilling to let Billy Bob Thornton down (whom I assume still works at NASA). He’s also a natural born leader, is appropriately skeptical of Ben Affleck, and if called upon, is willing to take one for the team and destroy the entire planet (and himself) with explosives.
Cons: Can be stubborn, occasional problems submitting to authority, and if he agrees to go, he doesn’t want to have to pay taxes anymore.
Pros: Back in 1996 when aliens invaded, Jeff Goldblum didn’t panic. Instead, he came up with theories, and somehow, a countdown clock. And if there are two things this team needs, it’s someone who thinks outside the box and can also keep time. He’s also incredibly adept at learning new things, like how to drive a space ship in less than 20 minutes and the most effective way to block out Will Smith’s opinions.
Cons: Refuses to take off his leather jacket no matter the situation (black leather space suit may be costly), disagrees with everything, and may insist on bringing his ‘Train’ CDs on the ship.
Pros: He may only be 57, but he has the life experience of a gray-haired Moses. He’s been through tornadoes, multiple mid-life crisis’, a ride to the moon with Kevin Bacon, and thick relationship tension with Helen Hunt. His expertise will be invaluable during the inevitable dust storms on Mars. He may even be able to come up with an early warning system, who knows. Also (and not to be discounted), he knows Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Cons: Sometimes has trouble getting along with others, especially those who steal his ideas, insists on being called ‘William’, and has trouble persuading other people to sign important documents.
Pros: It’s hard to choose just one, but if I had to pick Randy Quaid’s best quality, it’s that he has absolutely nothing to lose. And that’s exactly what this team needs. He’s slightly crazy (in a healthy way), wholeheartedly fearless, and has experience with extraterrestrial house parties from a prior (unconfirmed) abduction. He already knows how to fly, will gladly supply the booze, and is comfortable living in tight quarters, like an RV.
Cons: Can be unpredictable at times, sometimes dusts the wrong crop field, is occasionally crazy in an unhealthy way, will probably start a fire at some point, and will most likely ruin the trip for everyone else.
Pros: The man is good with a camera. And if we’re going to do this thing, we need someone to document it. And I’m not talking about fuzzy images of American flags, I’m talking Hi-Def footage that may or may not include Velociraptors. He’s creative, has probably been to Mars before and not told anyone, has his own camera, and makes his own green smoothies for breakfast.
Cons: Sometimes his imagination gets a little out of control (cough, Cowboys & Aliens, cough), would have to wait until the last second to tell him Jeff Goldbloom is coming, prefers to sleep nude, insists on wearing coach’s shorts when awake, and may attempt to smuggle Mars rocks to put on ebay.
Honorable mention: Bill Pullman for motivational speeches, Steve Buscemi for his crazy eyes/entertainment, Will Smith for his flying experience and cigars, Steven Tyler to sing to Bruce Willis, Joaquin Phoenix to hit aliens with his bat, Mel Gibson to throw cups of water on aggressive aliens, and Sam Neill in case anything goes wrong.
So what about you? Who would you send?