#40 Ron Swanson

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I don’t watch a ton of T.V. but there are a few shows out there that I thoroughly enjoy.  One of those shows is Parks and Recreation.  My wife and I bought the first season and watched it on DVD while we lived out of the country and since then we have always waited until the end of the season, purchased the DVDs and watched the season on our own time (something about being glued to a television makes me want to sign up for a Québécoise separatist group or the Enfield Tennis Academy).

Anyways, by now you have certainly become aware of Ron Swanson, a character in Parks and Recreation played by Nick Offerman.  Ron has gained a cult following of guys and has produced memes at the rate of the Dos Equis man and the old time drawing of a lady over a pastel background.

I must admit that I disagree with Ron on several topics including politics, and what it means to be a man.  His closed, emotionless, and often indifferent demeanor in the show depicts many problems in the typical American male. In fact may I suggest that the proper viewing of Ron is an “antiheroic” one.  On some levels Ron should be looked at as a role model and on others, an antithesis of what it means to be a man.  Either way he is a pretty hilarious character and should probably be held at a superficial, satirical, and face value level.  It is with that in mind that I offer you some of Swanson’s most poignant pieces of advice on important topics.

Ron On Art

Speaking to a crowd at an art gallery

OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me! Welcome to “Visions of Nature.” This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they’re here now. I believe that after this is over, they’ll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Ron On Getting Along With Coworkers

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

Ron On Emotions

Crying is only okay in two places: funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Ron On Government

It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teet until they have sore, chapped nipples. I’m gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.

Ron On Food

In reference to a vegetable loaf that was brought to a dinner instead of a cake:

not only does this thing exist but now you have deprived everyone of cake.

You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Turkey can never beat cow.

Ron On Julia Roberts

Is she that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza?

Ron On Friendship

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Ron On Nature

Ben: I’m just gonna sleep on the floor. 
Ron: It’s called the “ground” when it’s outside.

Ron On Work

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing

Ron On Alcohol

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets

Finally, in my favorite episode of Parks and Recreation Ron provides his youth basketball team with what he calls The Ron Swanson Pyramid Of Greatness.  The result is the greatest thing to ever grace a T.V. screen.  Again, please understand the level of satire involved here.

Feel free to share your favorite Ron Swanson quotes on the comments section.

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One Comment on “#40 Ron Swanson”

  1. ceruleanstarshine
    December 2, 2012 at 9:32 pm #

    I ❤ Ron Swanson. And his pyramid is just..awesome.

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