If you haven’t heard, there was this football game last night. The coaches were apparently related (according to ESPN), Destiny’s Child (OMG!) reunited, a Dodge commercial nearly made me cry, and in the end an extremely charismatic man with a small set of deer antlers beginning to emerge from his right triceps willed his team to victory with his defensive play threats to teammate’s lives for poor performance. Yes, that was a run-on sentence.
The second half kick-off was returned for a touchdown. The scoreboard read 28 – 6 in favor of the Ravens. The game seemed out of reach for the fighting Kaepernick’s. Then, something happened. Something deep within the bowels of the stadium went awry. The lights went out. The whole stadium gasped. Every rational mind in the building wondered, “the other Ravens are watching Ray Lewis, right?”
And then the 49ers stole the momentum and nearly won the game. But that’s not important.
What we really need to know is who cut the lights? And why? My list of possible suspects is presented below:
Motive: Just to mess with us
Evidence: Manti Te’o interview – “The last thing she said to me was, when the lights go out in the Superbowl, think of me. I’m dead now, don’t call anymore.”
Motive: Cold hard cash. He’s totally unappreciated in his time – and he can be bought. For 34 sweet minutes he was shoving viles of Super Dome Dino DNA into more Barbasol cans than can be counted.
Evidence: The giant T-Rex to arrive in New York City in 2-5 years. Wait for it.
Motive: Jealousy. Couldn’t stand the thought of the words “Christian Watford buzzer beater” not being uttered for 4 consecutive hours.
Evidence: Overheard at start of 2nd half – Tom Crean’s wife, “Where have you been? We had to take several family pictures without you.” Tom Crean, “I had to go the uhh…the uhh…the bathroom! I had to go to the bathroom. Yes, I was definitely in the bathroom. Thank God for Photoshop, am I right?”
Motive: Stick it to the man. Put an end to antler extract trafficking.
Evidence: Deer prints from Ray Lewis’ vehicle to underbelly of the Super Dome.
Motive: Not invited to Superbowl. Angry the game wasn’t played in San Francisco.
Evidence: Several written statements – “When the lights go down in the (New Orleans) city” “I (really) want (the Superbowl) to be there in my city” “Ooh, ooh”
The minutes you spent reading this can never be retrieved. They’re gone. So why not waste a few more and give us your own list of suspects in the comments section.